#0: A Metaphorical Autobiography, or the Professor’s Bunker Stories

Part 1

About the soul. A person is usually made up of sub-personalities that inhabit a metaphorical little town. In my town there is a Professor. The townspeople themselves gave him that title—an unimpeachable authority, always calm and impartial. A single gesture from him was enough to stop any conflict. He knew what to do… in war and in famine. He appeared quietly when needed and disappeared just as quietly when the war and hunger ended… in June 2019. The address on his note—Crete. Perhaps, after completing the “survival” mission, he went to rest and look for a meaning worth expressing. Part of the town survived only thanks to him. But to survive… is that really the most important thing… or is it?

My answer: physical survival is meaningless if the soul is betrayed—that is what’s most precious; the Professor made it so the soul would survive, even if that meant sacrificing many other “townsfolk” and physical health.

Clarification: “war and hunger” stay with us on the inside long after real catastrophes, sometimes — forever.

Part 2

About survival. Our symbolic inner town mirrors external reality. There are conflicts there too—even wars.

Wars vary: hybrid, with obvious enemies or without. Some wars are complicated—when the enemy inside a person, through ignorance, illness, or malice, exports an inner war to others… maybe in pretty packaging, with the right words… you can’t tell right away how you ended up in war and famine… and inside, too. If neglected, an inner war can start a war in outer reality. The primary source of inner enemies… lack of love… for oneself…

There are conflicts whose price is survival. They can be with anyone, including the inner enemies of a mother or other close ones. The hardest is when such conflicts happen before you’re formed—as a child, for example—and even harder if you depend on those “opponents.” That’s especially hard, and you have to be without a mother… and without authorities. Harder still if, on top of that, there’s no one nearby to lean on. It’s not necessarily anyone’s inner enemies; sometimes people freeze from fear, lock up, can’t move… you have to be without a father too. But everything can change in a second. You have to use whatever is at hand, any opportunity—learn to achieve the needed result with minimal resources. Harder still if, in addition, your mother fell ill, “lost her mind,” and controls everything… and when the external environment collapsed—famine…

In a survival war, it’s important to minimize dependence on others—to plan strategies so that enemies cannot, even in theory, prevent long-term tasks from being fulfilled… the inner enemies of relatives first of all, in the context above. Also difficult are the wars where the parents’ inner enemies stand on different sides of the barricades and tear you apart. In war you must be constantly alert, noticing the slightest changes—habits, turns of phrase, deviations from a “standard”/“template”… and be able to assess the situation quickly.

Probably my first model was my mother. Then my father. I learned to model people’s characters, to identify certain properties—even by appearance. Models bring predictability. People are predictable if you’ve been with them through war and famine and they have defeated their inner enemies (cowardice, arrogance, etc.). Sometimes it’s a pity when there’s no war and hunger; it’s so much easier to read people then… otherwise, it’s hard.

Clarification: unresolved inner problems usually affect both the person and others. Under tough external conditions those problems escalate: if a house roof is poorly fastened but the weather is clear, it holds, and you won’t notice issues at first. They become obvious in a “hurricane.” In my experience, a person reveals themselves in “times of hurricanes” or power, often unexpectedly even to themselves. In ordinary times people wear masks—sometimes very “thick” and “high-quality.” Having lived many years in extreme survival conditions, I need to understand who I’m next to—whether I can rely on that person in any situation, including “war.” It’s very hard—maybe impossible—to judge if someone has never been beyond their limits… hence it’s hard to read people “when there’s no war and hunger.”

Part 3

About the bunker. The bunker’s purpose is survival and preservation in an extremely unpredictable, contradictory, and hostile environment. The soul’s survival first of all.

The bunker’s existence was a secret. It was probably built by a child, yet it felt as if under someone’s guidance. Underground and absolutely invisible. It let in… almost… nothing from outside without filtration and thorough prior analysis: neither “air,” nor “water,” nor “information,” nor “screams,” nor laws/customs/norms/fashions… nor a mother’s or father’s words/values/emotions… nor anyone else, etc. 1 lived there. The other residents of the town… very many… did not survive or were badly maimed by frequent almost unpredictable dumps of poison, filth, and vinegar into the “soil,” “water,” “air”… and also by clashes in various wars. All those corpses were stored in the “manor house,” which was intended for 1… that was the easiest way to dispose of them. It was hard for 1 to befriend anyone from the “town,” to make contact, because he was the main target… those people and animals were immediately in danger… like his beloved dog that he even started bringing into the bunker… she was killed… after that he made no such mistakes—no more getting close. Over the years, the “poison,” “toxins,” and “filth” formed a huge lake. The “well,” which once held the “purest water,” over years of dumping from the bunker and other external sources filled to the brim with filth, feces, urine, etc. In 2019–20, 1 cleared away all the filth and feces by drinking and digesting them, and removed all the stench and corpses. The peak came in July 2020—the opening of the bunker… to clean everything inside and then establish contact. The whole village, the lake, the well, and the house are ready for settlement and contact.

Part 4

About people. People are different—sometimes a person has so many inner enemies that you can only pity them… they’re always with them, and in others they see their shadows.

Observations.

Interestingly, a shark lifted out of the water is harmless and dies quickly. Environment is vital.

A tough, seasoned mechanic Kolya became a helpless 3–5-year-old child with a body shaking from fear—the captain of our small fishing boat, Sanya, yelled at him. Afghanistan—captivity. Unprocessed past trauma strongly affects later life.

Kolya—a homeless man in “Shokoladnitsa” in central Moscow—told me about his childhood. I realized he hadn’t been loved; there was no one who believed in and supported him as a child, though he is kind—he took leftover food to his homeless friends even when no one was watching. The people around us shape us, and it’s crucial to have someone support us at the “right” moment.

Sometimes crawling helps—I crawled out of a ring of eight guys and a “hey kid, got a light?”, while Denis didn’t. I reached the exit—freedom; behind me my friend was already on the ground, surrounded. “Russians don’t abandon their own”—I had to stay… Then there were two boxer friends. Turns out not everyone can look a crowd in the eye and “stay.” But you shouldn’t blame… forgiveness matters… including yourself, if needed.

Children in Palestine ran after our buses. From the window, their daily life looked like “the 5th century A.D.” Perhaps they think that way too… they looked joyful.

A loader in Palestine—it’s sad: you’re in your underwear with a crew, sleeping in someone’s house, and the former owners come to take their things… their past life is behind them. I know this feeling; I’ve left the past behind too… though often it’s inside first, and only then outside.

A pickpocket who had done time, “touring” Moscow, after passing an “interview” with a gang—someone we befriended—stuck in my memory. I wonder if he’d have become a thief had the USSR not collapsed; he’s talented, with a God-given gift for talking to people.

Many castigate the past, the USSR; everything good I’ve had in life came from the USSR. From the bunker I watched “hurricanes” that began with the country’s collapse and the rise of a new one carry off countless “roofs”: drug addiction, maniacs, perversions, violence, the chase for shiny trinkets, racketeering, theft, privatization, pauperization, and more. A guy I met at boxing, and once in a conflict, killed an old woman for 50 kopecks, jumping on her with friends. Yet in the gym he was meek as a lamb, while in my school he was the “top bandit”—people manifest differently in different contexts.

Interestingly, academic papers contain lies, done deliberately, in particular to “survive” in the chase for numbers/publications.

[“DON’T AIR DIRTY LAUNDRY” AND “FAMILY PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED INSIDE THE FAMILY” AND “WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FAMILY STAYS IN THE FAMILY”]

But I don’t blame the “father”; he plays by the system’s rules… there are far worse things. Like my friend Dima’s case: they do cancer research, and there “inaccuracies” play a “slightly” different role—with consequences.

I suppose “they” enjoy this game of numbers and prestige. Business is more honest—at least there’s a criterion of “use,” though not always. But power/money/prestige… that’s the most important thing… or is it?

My answer: I like science, and above all: truth – freedom – love. Power is a strong drug, and money is just a tool. My grandfather said that of all human inventions, money is closest to the Devil. He was NOT RIGHT; closest are SINFUL THOUGHTS AND/OR WORDS AND/OR DEEDS. In general, money is a great trial. Also, it seems to me that we, people who were given a “bright head” and society’s trust/funding to do research, have a moral responsibility to make everyone’s life better.

Clarification: from the bunker it’s clear how environment shapes a person—how we learn, what value means, what’s good/bad… how to act… think… feel… later we no longer realize why we feel a certain way in some situation. For “99.99999%” of people, it’s enough to create the environment/conditions… they’ll absorb and do what’s “required.” This is depicted in the “Matrix” trilogy within a sci-fi scenario that, in my observation, “nicely” describes the real state of affairs.

Part 5

About the core. Faith takes different forms—my great-grandmother was devout, often crossed herself, read the “Our Father” and other prayers. She told me, as she could, about faith and about Jesus. She was strict, but predictable.

I wish I had lived with her all the time; I felt good with her—better than with my mother and father: when there was war and famine, their inner enemies took over, and it was downright unbearable.

She laid something very deep… and the image of Jesus. That deep thing became the foundation on which the bunker was built. The image of Jesus remained somewhere very high… a star in the sky, a guiding star. But since I was stubborn and believed in nothing and no one, I denied God’s existence… until the moment the bunker was opened.

Later I learned about other stars. I think we’ve stopped looking upward at our guiding stars and more and more sideways… at the neighbor, into phones, social networks, news, trinkets, money, etc.

And I, for one, know that “this” is unimportant during “war and hunger.” A loved one or simply a decent person, clean air, water, food, calm, and nature… matter. Sometimes it’s a pity when there’s no war and hunger; it’s so much easier to discern values then… otherwise, it’s hard.

Clarification: the human psyche is usually arranged like an onion, with a certain core inside. The husk—masks—falls away under pressure, as I wrote in Part 2. After being without water, food, peace, shelter, silence, sleep, or a loved one, you grasp what’s truly valuable.

Part 6

About values. Gratitude takes different forms — sometimes you stand up for someone against the crowd, and he flips to their side, and now I’m in his place. His weakness and cowardice… it happens… the main thing is that it passes.

In situations I couldn’t handle psychologically, I used “forgetting.” I didn’t remember so many things. True, my head used to hurt terribly with awful attacks. But between two evils you choose the lesser… perhaps.

I stopped exposing myself when helping — I learned. Now I help when I can… though I almost always overestimate my capacity, so I devised a system: I help at 80% of what I think I can do. After that, if I can do more—I multiply that again by 80%, and so on. It works.

When I was 14, I was paid 14 hryvnias for a whole night of unloading grain from a truck with a trailer—maybe 20–25 tons (I was with a crew). Ice cream was the only thing I kept for myself; I gave the rest to my parents… hunger.

In general, I’ve been a top speaker, a builder, caught sharks, helped the Estonian government with cadastral land data analysis, worked with children—was even awarded, worked on Korean onion plantations, a light-DJ at a disco, an assistant boxing coach in Israel at a university, and much more.

I stopped working with Estonia when I realized my model would substantially increase payments to the Estonian state by all residents—during a financial crisis (“corona”). Even without another job, I refused.

I love Russian films and my native Russian culture, Greek songs and culture, Ukrainian culture, and much more. I take from everyone what I like and learn… I learn from everything… including my beloved cat Murka-Alisa, and from children.

I like helping others, finding win-win solutions so everyone benefits… thankfully my experience lets me find a common language with anyone, regardless of social status, cultural background, or level of adequacy.

I value everything natural and alive, and I’m relaxed about social games, conditionings, and things.

I know what it means to starve…

I saw the country I was born in—the S/USSR—being dismantled, and what it means to go through it as a child… how people lose their minds, their footing… the psyche collapses, hunger, maniacs, crime, drugs, ideology, looting of factories and everything within reach, back-breaking work for pennies, poverty, constant changes to history, rules, and much more.

When I grew up and lived in many places, understanding how Socio-Economic Systems work and how “influential uncles” play their games whose results are wars, revolutions, and much more… having become an adult “uncle” myself… I do not want anyone to go through what I did because of their games… no child should suffer from adults’ games, and I don’t care what territory it happens on. If the “uncles” insist, I’ll devise a game so they can “play” their games without involving the innocent; I have no problem with how adults consciously dispose of their lives. I’ve practiced quite extreme practices, and it’s unlikely I can be surprised.

I categorically oppose collapses and revolutions… particularly in Russia, under fine pretexts of democracy, justice, etc. I’m also against puppet politicians anywhere.

Part 7

A New View: Games and Faith. From the bunker I peered far and deep… as best I could. But maybe my reader wants to look farther and deeper—great! Reach out if you have questions; I’ll help where I can — and I want to play a little with others… with social symbols… anthems… flags… money… statuses and other games we take so seriously. It’s interesting that money is such an important toy for us… yet “no one knows what money is” (c)… Sanya. Not only money… we can’t give a final definition to anything… there will always be an extra question/refinement/special case… it’s impossible to ask the “last question” (hello to Socrates!). The basis is faith.

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"Like everyone, you are born in chains. Born in a prison you cannot smell or touch. A prison for the mind."